Sunday, July 17, 2005

Muffy Swagwort

Some people think that we're pretty isolated by the hills and ridges. I would contend that we might be even better connected because of them. We meet in town and we hear about each other thanks to Mort Herndon the U.S. Mail carrier. Why just the other day I heard tell another bit about Muff Swagwort.

Muffy is a nice enough girl, at least she seems to be based on the few chance meetings I've had with her at the Piggly-Wiggly and at the Dollar General. She might appear a bit uptight but I chalk that up to the fact that she's not originally from around here.

She moved here with her husband William (Swags) just a few years ago. Why they have a whole menagerie ofr animals up at their place. Modern sort of place. First glance you might think it's just a log house but it's one of those big log houses trucked in here from out west. You could set down half the town in that house and have a bit of room to spare. If we ever get a natural emergency around here and need to open a shelter I vote for the Swagwort place. Muffy probably wouldn't agree. Which brings me full circle to Muffy.

The way I hear it, she's told more than a few folks that somehow God set her aside to be a little bit better than some of the rest of us. She points at her rich husband and her high faluten friends with all the alphabet pieces up behind their names. Girl don't get it. Her husband didn't marry her to give her some special standing round abouts. I hear he married her because he loved her. I also here from a source unnamed that he's wondered whether he made the right choices. That's another story.

Muffy was down at the Presbyterian church the other day. She was there dropping off a few things that she didn't want for their sale. Folks would think that nice. Muffy fixed that idea, quick. She pulls her big old Suburban up to the door and knocks. THis here is the gospel truth Reverend Bill Smith opens the door and smiles.

"I got some crap here. I was going to drop it at the land fill but figure this was as good a place as any. Saw your sign."

Now Bill is a nice guy. He married me and Bethy thirty years ago. "Why thank you. I've seen you driving around, Mrs. Swagwort. Thank you. I'm sure someone can use it."

"Whatever. I just want it out of my place. It's tacky. It doesn't suit me. I only like things with excellence. Don't like putting my ass in something that isn't as good as me."

"It looks like some excellent stuff."

"Just unload it. I'm late for my hair appointment."

She didn't smile or anything. Just stood there. Haughty was the word that came to Bill's mind. Just about then Becky Renfroe came out of the church office. She's the oldest church member and the church secretary. She remembers Prohibition and her father's still. She smiled when she saw Mrs. Swagwort. I swear this next is true.

"Come on the two of you should be able to pull it out." She motioned to the little love seat in the back. That's right she expected Bill and Becky to haul it out. The amazing thing was they did. Bill was worried about Becky.

That Muffy stood there complaining about them maybe scratching the vehicle and how she was beginning to sweat standing there in the sun. She was upset that one of her nails was broken. Said, she was entertaining some friends and wanted to look and smell her best, that sort of thing. Finally, the Suburban was unloaded. She just got in and shouted out the window.

"Find anything else I don't need I'll think about dumping it on you. You take cans of old paint?"

Old Bill he just smiles. "Thank you for you gifts. You are proof of the Golden Rule."

"Whatever." And she roared off toward Asheville.