Wednesday, March 01, 2006

I hate real hippies

I watched the news this AM and decided that maybe I need to jump on the filthy hippie band wagon.

Let’s start with Bill OReally. How come he isn’t ranting about taking the Christ out of Mardi Gras? It is a Christian based holiday. Shrove Tuesday and Ash Wednesday. Heck even T.S. Eliot wrote a poem about Ash Wednesday. The least we could do is be upset about ALL religious holidays that are warped. Maybe those women who expose their boobs for beads are “filthy hippies” so it’s OK. Hmmm drinking Hurricanes can be a form of “drug use” and some of those babes are showing more than I want to see. What would Jesus say?

Now then, I’ve met a few people in my life that could use a bath more than they think they do. They weren’t hippies by any means. So maybe we should get an Amendment to the US Constitution that forces everyone take a bath daily. I’ll bet some folks would think that is “cruel and unusual” punishment. No showers! Baths!

And let’s get really tough on drug abuse. Let’s outlaw tobacco consumption and booze consumption. And if religion is an opiate then outlaw that too. Think of the television channels freed up. That’s right we tried a form of that during Prohibition. Heck, one rabble rouser over in Asheville admits to abusing RUM. I think he needs to be locked up.

Speaking of abuse. I think ALL golf courses in this country need to be changed to “free range” parks. Let nature have them. Planting species of grass that can’t survive without tons of care and nutrients is not right. And while I’m at it, earth worms! A non-native species if there ever was one. Kill them in every lawn and compost in the country! We don’t need no stinking EUROPEAN earthworms!

But I digess. Back to those filthy hippies. You know, I think a lot of conservative republicans are closet “filthy hippies.” When they have free love they call it “affairs.” More than 50 percent of marriages fail. Since hippies aren’t supposed to be lovers of marriage maybe we need to TIGHTEN UP marriage. How about 10 years in jail for every person that asks for a divorce? Sounds good to me, but then I’ve been married for thirty years!

And Dirty cars! I don’t think we need huge SUVs piloted by cell phone talking imbeciles on the way to Home Depot. If you drive a big vehicle you should be required to pick up any hitchhiker. If you’re going to spew hydrocarbons like a filthy hippie at least help someone else. I can’t remember any instance in the New Testament of Jesus or any of his posse riding around in Roman Chariots. Heck the only hitchhiker I can think of was Jonah.

Now, as a few of you know, Asheville is a hop skip and jump away from these parts. It was a nice little town until aliens started immigrating in from places up north like Ohio and New Jersey. Got their fair share of folks from Florida too. Bring back the Indians and send the rich white boys and girls home to their cold climates. If it wasn’t for them filthy hippies wouldn’t be selling artsy-craftsy crap and surviving. Heck, I saw one the other day selling golf balls he’d rescued from Golf Course roughs where lazy old farts left them rather than look for them. Lazy rich folks are the real problem. Condos with maintenance fees. If these rich old folks had to do their OWN yard work and paint their own houses think they’d move down here? Talk about hippies! Folks that don't want to do honest work. Rather pay folks poorly and act so smug.

So that’s my rant. And I'm sticking to it.